It's ok to ask 'Are you ok?'

In the past couple of years I’ve started talking publicly about poor mental health, causes of and consequences thereafter. Not out of choice particularly, but because I talk to a lot of people in my day-to-day life and there is a definite problem there. My own experiences in recent times have hardly been a bed of roses. If talking about it helps highlight the issues, then so be it, I’ll do my best.

None of this is news. We all know there’s a real problem – the biggest problem to face the whole country, not just the rural part of it – and we all know some of the causes; financial, isolation, government policy to name but three. I have talked extensively about these problems and my experiences before. If you’re interested in that, look for the Royal Forestry Society’s ‘Gone Foresting’ podcast. Fair warning, it isn’t an easy listen.

This piece, however, is not about that. It is about something I find equally troublesome but probably doesn’t get talked about enough.

Feeling ‘Meh’

I think maybe most people understand what ‘Feeling Meh’ means even if it’s difficult to put into words. It’s that sort of down-in-the-dumps, lethargic, can’t be bothered with life feeling you get sometimes. There’s not always something you can point to as a cause, sometimes you just wake up a bit ‘meh’.

I have a personal theory that feeling meh (can't be bothered with the air quotes now) is a gateway mood to darker moods. In and of itself it probably won’t harm you and who doesn’t need a cathartic strop now and again? But left unchecked, if you get too many of them or it rolls into a never-ending THING, maybe it starts to become more of a problem. Maybe that’s one of the ways poor mental health starts? As I say, a personal thought and I offer no scientific evidence to support it. Logical though.

But before you start feeling meh from reading all that I have solutions!

Humour

‘Funny stuff lifts mood!’ Good God no! Could be a headline statement from the ‘Ministry of the Bleeding Obvious’, but it is pretty important because it really works. Humour is a distraction from the problems of life. Everything looks better through tears of laughter and the inability to breathe properly.

Humour between friends takes many forms, but I am particularly fond of the art form that is gentle piss-taking. I take as much pleasure out of a well thought out piss-take directed at me as I do from delivering such a coup de grace myself.

An example from my business partner and friend of 35 years. I have a tattoo of a Japanese dragon. It is very good, I like it a lot and dragons are cool. Mark, on seeing it for the first time, asked why I got the flying dog from the Neverending Story tattooed on my forearm. It is a joke he is reluctant to let go of; during discussions over what we’re going to do that day, he will often ask what does Falkor think? It is quite funny and Mark is a funny guy who very often comes out with stuff like this. When it’s a hard day, if it’s hammering down with rain or we’re miles behind, it does help raise the mood.

I like to think I give as good as I get, but possibly those are stories that only have significance to a small group of people so I won’t tell them here. Some are probably not repeatable in any case….

All this though is a bit of preamble before I get to what the point of this piece is….

Are You Ok?

Three little words but they might be worth asking. We all have busy lives, our own worries and things to think about. It’s so hard to take five minutes out to do anything, let alone send a random message just for the sake of it. But if nothing else it’s nice to be nice isn’t it?

I have a couple of little stories to illustrate my point which, for obvious reasons, I’ll keep anonymous and vague.

The first is someone who I haven’t known for a long time but I definitely count as a friend. Not so long ago, a group of us were chitty chatting away and as the conversation went along I thought to myself something’s not quite right here, they seem a bit off. I must admit I hesitated a bit; as I’ve said I haven’t known this person for long. Do I ask if things are alright? Is it my place to do so? Have I misjudged this? Is asking it a bit weird? But what’s the worst thing that can happen?

So I sent a message later that day; “Are you ok, you seemed a bit off earlier?’ Turns out no, not ok. We had a little chat about it and by the end they felt a little bit better about the situation they found themselves in. I can’t say I offered any useful advice or a solution but I did listen and listening is a really important part of a conversation like this.

The odd thing is…. I felt better for doing it. Really good actually because I did judge it right and it wasn’t weird. And the question was reciprocated, so that little conversation was beneficial for both of us. ‘Are you Ok?’ can be a two-way street.

My second story is of a friend who went through something pretty nasty that I have had previous experience of. No hesitation this time, I knew what they would be going through and I know I needed help when I went through it. So the message was ‘I know you’re not ok, but I’ve been there and I can help if you need it. Let me know.’ The offer was taken up and I know it meant a lot.

I’m not trying to portray myself as a hero mind, although I am dashing and handsome. I’m just saying that it’s ok to ask ‘Are you ok?’. It might be all that person needed. Even if you don’t suspect there’s something amiss, it doesn’t harm to connect. Human beings are social creatures (even those of us that hide in the woods) and knowing someone else is around is reassuring.

Why am I writing about this?

I am not ok. I will never be 100%. I don’t think it’s something that can be ‘cured’ fully, or at least not in my case (no two people are the same). However, I have made my peace with it. I have had my share of dark days and dark thoughts and I think the worst of it is behind me. It is an inevitability that I shall struggle again at some point in the future, but what I have now is three or four people who will phone or message just to check in once in a while, even if they don’t suspect there’s anything wrong. And that is enough.

A note on the photos. Mental health is a difficult and sensitive topic, certainly not an easy one to write about. I’ve found that one of the things that helps me is trying to find something to be positive about no matter the subject, so I asked Countryslide patrons to send me some photos for this article of something that makes them happy, or smile, or a fond memory.  Thanks to Laura McArthur, Alisa Allison, Beth Griffiths, Vanessa Payne and Matt Biddle (cover photo of Torrington, Devon) for those.  And Richard and Callum too, if only because that photo made me laugh like a drain!